confession

I've always known that the Bible calls us to confess our sins, but if I'm being honest, I have rarely done this. Well, that's not true, I do confess. But, I'm more likely to confess things like "I'm not reading the Bible enough".... or "I am too selfish"... or "I've fooled around with guys more than I should have".

And nothing is wrong with these confessions.

Only that I'm not confessing anything. I'm being vague or choosing to only confess the things that aren't that bad.

But lately, that's been changing for me.

A few weeks ago at Sublime, I started talking to a group of girls- and before I even realized it, I confessed one of my darkest sins. I mean, it's a biggie. And before that moment, no one knew. I mean, no one (who would hold me accountable spiritually) knew. I had managed to only let people know who wouldn't consider the spiritual ramifications of my choices. I had never told anyone that would want to know how God felt about it.

The sin that I confessed had been worked out with God. He and I had already dealt with it, but I had never invited anyone else into that process.

The coolest thing about that moment with those senior girls is that God totally used my sin to teach them something big. My honesty in that moment helped them understand the spiritual ramifications of sin like mine. He used my confession to bring glory to Himself. Only God can take the bad and work it together for his good- and ultimately, my good.

What I learned in that moment is that confessing my sin doesn't result in condemnation (assuming you're confessing to Godly people). In fact, it was the opposite. The girls were able to hear my mistakes and be so relieved to know that I'm a "real" sinner too. I recently heard someone explain the difference between conviction (from the holy spirit) and condemnation (from people). Condemnation says that YOU are something bad. Conviction says you DID something bad. A small difference but a huge difference.

Confessing my sin doesn't mean that I can no longer be influential. In fact, more of the opposite. He used my confession to make a bigger impact on those girls than I ever could have if I had just been quoting scripture or passing on information. My friend Denise is a Christian author and speaker- and a few years ago, her marriage tragically ended in divorce. She decided to take a year off from writing and speaking to kinda collect her thoughts, but then came back a year later to speak at a church. Then God called her to speak about marriage. Of course, she was SO annoyed that God would do such a thing- she had just gotten divorced! And, in His small and mighty way, he asked her if she still believed in marriage. And of course, she did! And God told her, your mistakes do not have baring on my truths. My truth is STILL truth no matter how many times you mess it up. When Denise shared this with me, I thought I understood. But, now that I have lived- and confessed- I understand it to a level that I never thought possible. God's truth is STILL truth- no matter how badly I have blown it.

Once I confessed the one time, it made me know that I could do it again. The next night I sat down with one of my best friends- and confessed a slew of sins that needed confessing. And once again, there was no condemnation and I didn't lose my ability to be influential.

I'm not saying that I'm gonna start telling everyone all of my mistakes, but for the first time REALLY in my life, I truly understand the healing that James is talking about when he says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." (James 5:16).

God is a healer in so many ways, but right now, for me, he's healing me through my own obedience to confess.

music

These are my favorite things right now:

8 foods

According to Eat This Not That, these are the 8 foods you should every day....

1. spinach
2. yogurt
3. tomatoes
4. carrots
5. blueberries
6. black beans
7. walnuts
8. oats

Only one small problem, I don't like 1, 7, or 8 (unless it's in cookies or instant-sugar-filled oatmeal).

But an interesting thought nonetheless.

this is one of my kid's legit school picture. he is hilarious. if this doesn't make you laugh, you could never survive in middle school.

overwhelmed

In the last 24 hours, I:
1. found out that my car (which I wrecked Friday) is totaled.
2. lost my Granddaddy Billy. (Not my real grandfather, but very close.)
3. have been subpoena-ed to testify from when I got robbed last summer.

I am overwhelmed.

annoyed

A few weeks ago, my facebook status said something along the lines of, "When people say the education system is broken, it hurts my feelings."

See, I'm an educator. And it hurts my feelings.

I am under no false illusions about the education system. I do not think it's perfect. In fact, I think there are many flaws, and there is no "quick fix" from any one source to fix those flaws. I'm not trying to say that we don't need to improve education, but attacks on the system as a whole feels personal to me.

And you can tell that it's not, but it feels like it is.

I know this guy. I won't call him a friend because he's not. We are not friends. We know each other.

In all the years I've known him, he's never had one decent conversation with me. He only speaks to me to make snarky comments about Alabama football.

But, he decided to further our relationship and add "attacking my profession" to his list of conversation topics.

He felt the need to comment on my fb status- to let me know that it is actually broken, but that's it not a personal attack on me. I say my peace, but I try to let it go. But it made me mad. I mean, I JUST SAID that it hurts my feelings! What do you not understand????

Fastforwardafewweeks.

He messages me on fb chat. (Once again- we DO NOT talk. EVER.) Just so he can bring it up again. UGH.

It made me so mad that I just closed my whole computer.

Deep breaths. Cleansing breaths. Trying to get over it.

THEN.
I'm at church last night. And he has the AUDACITY to come up to me- SEEK ME OUT- to bring it up AGAIN. In the meanest way possible, I told him that I would not have that conversation with him. Not now, not ever.

In thinking about it today, I've realized that it bothers me on multiple levels:

• If this convo had been with one of my friends,then I wouldn't be as mad. But the fact that he doesn't have anything positive to say to me EVER is frustrating. Other people at my church single me out to encourage me on a regular basis, and he doesn't even speak to me outside of snarky remarks about Alabama football and to criticize my profession. just more than I can handle.
  
• The fact that the VERY FIRST time he said something, it was on a status that explain that this topic HURTS MY FEELINGS. So it's not like he didn't know that it was going to hurt my feelings. He knew. But being right was more important to him than my feelings.

And that's the biggest part.
It was more important to be right than to consider how I felt about it.
And THAT is why I'm annoyed.

Faking It

Did you read Post Secret yesterday? If so, you saw this picture:

Obviously, I immediately googled it. You can read it yourself here: http://makebelievemormon.blogspot.com/

I had a bunch of Mormon friends in high school, and I knew a few people convert to Mormonism so they could get married. This is not something I'd ever even consider, so it was always fascinating to me that people would actually change their entire belief system for marriage. I guess my personal beliefs are too strong for this to be an option.

But, it made me think- How many people who change religions for a spouse are actually only just "faking it"?

Are you looking for me?
when I'm not there
when I've been m-i-a
when there's an empty stare

Are you looking for me?
when we sit and talk
when pass real quick
when no one slows their walk

Are you looking for me?
when the world spins fast
when you're just too busy
when much time has passed

Are you looking for me?
when you approach the throne
when you love out loud
when I feel alone

Are you looking for me?
because all I really want
is someone to look for me

Life Changing Announcement

Announcement:
This is the greatest lipstick I have ever used in my whole life.

It's Revlon ColorStay Overtime Lipcolor.
It claims to last for 18 hours, and I will call a penalty flag on that.
HOW-thefreak-EVER. It lasts about 12 hours. Which is RIDIC.
You need to try some. It's everywhere. I have 2 colors. Love love love.

coping

Today was my friend Shannon's first day back at work after being out for the past few months. You may remember me writing about him before- last spring, he and his wife lost their baby shortly before their due date.

We raised money as staff so that he could stay out for the remainder of the school year, but he came back at the start of this year.

However, the past few months, he's been out of work. Mainly dealing with some major emotional/depression issues.

And it's gotten me thinking. About my own coping. About how people cope in general.

From when I was a sophomore in high school to my junior year in college, I buried 7 friends. Not like grown up, old people. But friends. People my age. All car accidents. But. It was with the last one in 2001- my friend Jennifer was killed in a head-on collision on her way back to Clemson- and I kinda lost it. I was suddenly unable to cope with my own loss and grief. I ended up leaving my school- and moving back home, started seeing a therapist, and taking anti-depression meds. It was a dark time in my life, but God was good.

But.

Isn't it weird how some people go through one thing and reach that breaking point? And some people go through a series of bad things- and THEN reach that point? And some people seem to never have that point- they're always able to be tough.

Why is that?
What causes it all?
I don't get it.